GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER (RABBI DOV HELLER, M.A.)
A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the
decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many
areÂ making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms.Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married,
they’ll say: “We’re in love.”
I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.Choosing a
life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not
politically correct, there’s a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result
of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love
Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on Love
alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself
if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
* Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for
20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you
do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a
common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can
grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To
a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom
line-and marry someone who Wants the same thing.
* Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The
basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get
“punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A
colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel
afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally
safe with the person you plan to marry.
* Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and
do the right thing.”
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two
types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal
growth, and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal
in life is to be comfortable
will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to
know that before walking down the aisle.
* How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about
the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat
parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they
don’t have gratitude for the peoplewho have given them everything, you
cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you–who can’t do nearly
as much for them!
You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually
treat you poorly as well.
* Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention
of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of
Mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage
…. for the worse!” If you cannot fully accept this person the way they
, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with
your heart.It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating,
to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you
didn’t do your homework.