P/S: This post is from my old blog. I would like to elaborate more and some of it is added extra from the original.
GOSH! I really don’t know how to put my feelings in words. Anyway, perhaps… A little story will explains what I mean by MIXED feeling.
Last Sunday was my friend; CWChoi’s birthday and he invite all of us to celebrate by having seafood dinner at Klang. I still remember that the night before we were having “yamcha” session together, we were discussing about who should drive and so on. We set to leave from Old Klang Road to Klang at 6PM.
The night before
I was with them playing games at Cyber CafÃ© until 5AM in the morning and then I have appointment with Syin at 1 noon at Mid Valley Megamall. WOW! Looking at the time left for me to sleep really amazing, it’s been so long I never did something like this. During outing with Syin, I was thinking of getting something for the birthday boy. I was looking around and I can’t find anything so I decided to get him a cake. I called Simon asking weather a cake is a good idea, he ask me to go ahead and get the cake then we all split the cost. That’s solving my worries of what to get for him. I went to Secret Recipe and bought the saliva dripping “Chocolate Banana Cake”. It cost around RM 70 and to make the birthday cake much appealing. I bought additional 20 candles. Muahahhahaa…
It was 5:30 PM and I felt something a miss so I called Allan to check on everyone. He told me that some might sit on my car but he confirm with me later. I was waiting for his call but long enough I never realized it was already 6:00 PM. I call him while I was driving along Federal Highway. He told me that the carpool is settled and they are on their way. So… I was in the car with Syin driving to Klang… I am not sure about the route to the restaurant so I call Theodric for direction. He teaches me a few routes but then he got puzzled and asks me to wait at Olive’s house at Bandar Botanic. Later about 5 minutes passed, my phone rang and it was Theodric. He just slam a sentence exactly like this
“Cham mud ngor doh hao, ngem siu sum kiew Jodie hui. Lei Choong ngoi hui mao?”
( Yesterday I talk too much and accidentally invited Jodie to the dinner. Do you still want to go? )
My feelings was like… What DA FUCK ??? What is going on? WHY?
I replied with a soft tone and confused voice.. “ Errr.. Hmm.. Ngor ngem moi hui le.. Lei dei hui le…”
(Errr… Hmmm… I don’t feel like going. You guys have fun. I will bring the cake over to you when I reach klang )
Previous Attempt outing with my EX
As far as I understand that I still hate to hangout with Jodie in a group of friends. I do remind my friends that if they decided to invite her, I am not going to join any event. I know it’s hard for them sometimes but it’s even harder for me to face her. It’s all in me and seriously I felt very different and distance whenever she is around. There is one time my buddies birthday, she is there and I can seriously tell you that the party wasn’t really enjoyable for me. I laugh harder than I used to be and I can felt the party had 2 separated groups. The birthday boy trying very hard to entertain both group and that time I can see clearly who’s on whose side and who’s neutral.
I am not God’s son
I am just an ordinary man… A man with emotional feelings… How would you handle 8-years relationship breakup suddenly for potential 3rd party involvement? What’s more especially during your intention of proposing and devotion towards a serious relationship? Imagining all your effort that place in the relationship… VANISHED.. Just like that… Getting more real about this… This breakup eventually is the 2nd time incident happens with the same situation and same reason. I am DEVASTED and I am STONED! To this date and to this moment, I am still unable to put down the feelings we shared together for such a long time and a meaningless breakup. Is there a time for me to love her once more? Hell NO! I give you a big N-O!. I had enough of these games, I just had enough and I just want to have a peace of mind and a casual relationship. I don’t dare to take up any commitment for now and I don’t dare to LOVE another person. I need time to deal this over so I can accept a new person.
I am moving on and trying to get close up with my buddies. Constantly I am meeting someone new almost everyday. Many of them are good listener and many of them are just very motivating for me to move on. I just don’t understand sometimes about buddies. I had understood them so well that I try my best not to pressure them about my personal life and in return I just hope an understanding and buddy way of supportive for the moment. My previous blog “Living in denial” had mentioned it before that I doesn’t want them to feel difficult. Yet these kinds of shitty stuff happen again and this time is a little bit too much. *SIGH* I never scold them, I never wanted to angst with them. I just very disappointed that they told me last minute. I hardly can MOVE ON my life when my friends are just not supportive. I felt distance… Very distance!
Anyway… I am just whining here and just wanted to shoutout loud. It just felt much better. I felt comfortable telling my own problems to a stranger than to my best buddies. Strangers at least will response to my feelings with an advice, a lesson, or comfort. My buddies… They will just keep quiet and only can answer “I have no comment”. Maybe after a few days later, my secret is no longer a secret but maybe a laughing stock or it reaches to someone that I am talking about.
Sweet words are easy to say,
Sweet things are easy 2 buy,
But sweet people are difficult to find.
Life ends when U stop dreaming,
Hope ends when U stop believing,
Love ends when U stop caring,
Friendship ends when U stop sharing.
So share this with whom ever U consider a friend.
To love without condition,
To talk without intention,
To give without reason,
And to care without expectation
is the heart of a truefriend…