I can only please one person per day. … Today is not your day… Tomorrow is not looking good either.- I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
- Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
- I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM . . . YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “where the heck is the ceiling?”
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- EVERYBODY IS SOMEBODY ELSE’S WEIRDO.
- Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with their experience.
- A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt
- Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
- If at first you don’t succeed . . . skydiving isn’t for you.
- Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- When everything is coming your way . . . you’re in the wrong lane!
- Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
- There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.
- I am having an out of money experience.
- Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- I plan on living forever… So far, so good.
