P/S: This post is from my old blog. I would like to elaborate more and some of it is added extra from the original.
GOSH! I really donâ€™t know how to put my feelings in words. Anyway, perhapsâ€¦ A little story will explains what I mean by MIXED feeling.
Last Sunday was my friend; CWChoiâ€™s birthday and he invite all of us to celebrate by having seafood dinner at Klang. I still remember that the night before we were having â€œyamchaâ€ session together, we were discussing about who should drive and so on. We set to leave from Old Klang Road to Klang at 6PM.
The night before
I was with them playing games at Cyber CafÃ© until 5AM in the morning and then I have appointment with Syin at 1 noon at Mid Valley Megamall. WOW! Looking at the time left for me to sleep really amazing, itâ€™s been so long I never did something like this. During outing with Syin, I was thinking of getting something for the birthday boy. I was looking around and I canâ€™t find anything so I decided to get him a cake. I called Simon asking weather a cake is a good idea, he ask me to go ahead and get the cake then we all split the cost. Thatâ€™s solving my worries of what to get for him. I went to Secret Recipe and bought the saliva dripping â€œChocolate Banana Cakeâ€. It cost around RM 70 and to make the birthday cake much appealing. I bought additional 20 candles. Muahahhahaaâ€¦
It was 5:30 PM and I felt something a miss so I called Allan to check on everyone. He told me that some might sit on my car but he confirm with me later. I was waiting for his call but long enough I never realized it was already 6:00 PM. I call him while I was driving along Federal Highway. He told me that the carpool is settled and they are on their way. Soâ€¦ I was in the car with Syin driving to Klangâ€¦ I am not sure about the route to the restaurant so I call Theodric for direction. He teaches me a few routes but then he got puzzled and asks me to wait at Oliveâ€™s house at Bandar Botanic. Later about 5 minutes passed, my phone rang and it was Theodric. He just slam a sentence exactly like this
â€œCham mud ngor doh hao, ngem siu sum kiew Jodie hui. Lei Choong ngoi hui mao?â€
( Yesterday I talk too much and accidentally invited Jodie to the dinner. Do you still want to go? )
My feelings was likeâ€¦ What DA FUCK ??? What is going on? WHY?
I replied with a soft tone and confused voice.. â€œ Errr.. Hmm.. Ngor ngem moi hui le.. Lei dei hui leâ€¦â€
(Errrâ€¦ Hmmmâ€¦ I donâ€™t feel like going. You guys have fun. I will bring the cake over to you when I reach klang )
Previous Attempt outing with my EX
As far as I understand that I still hate to hangout with Jodie in a group of friends. I do remind my friends that if they decided to invite her, I am not going to join any event. I know itâ€™s hard for them sometimes but itâ€™s even harder for me to face her. Itâ€™s all in me and seriously I felt very different and distance whenever she is around. There is one time my buddies birthday, she is there and I can seriously tell you that the party wasnâ€™t really enjoyable for me. I laugh harder than I used to be and I can felt the party had 2 separated groups. The birthday boy trying very hard to entertain both group and that time I can see clearly whoâ€™s on whose side and whoâ€™s neutral.
I am not Godâ€™s son
I am just an ordinary manâ€¦ A man with emotional feelingsâ€¦ How would you handle 8-years relationship breakup suddenly for potential 3rd party involvement? Whatâ€™s more especially during your intention of proposing and devotion towards a serious relationship? Imagining all your effort that place in the relationshipâ€¦ VANISHED.. Just like thatâ€¦ Getting more real about thisâ€¦ This breakup eventually is the 2nd time incident happens with the same situation and same reason. I am DEVASTED and I am STONED! To this date and to this moment, I am still unable to put down the feelings we shared together for such a long time and a meaningless breakup. Is there a time for me to love her once more? Hell NO! I give you a big N-O!. I had enough of these games, I just had enough and I just want to have a peace of mind and a casual relationship. I donâ€™t dare to take up any commitment for now and I donâ€™t dare to LOVE another person. I need time to deal this over so I can accept a new person.
I am moving on and trying to get close up with my buddies. Constantly I am meeting someone new almost everyday. Many of them are good listener and many of them are just very motivating for me to move on. I just donâ€™t understand sometimes about buddies. I had understood them so well that I try my best not to pressure them about my personal life and in return I just hope an understanding and buddy way of supportive for the moment. My previous blog â€œLiving in denialâ€ had mentioned it before that I doesnâ€™t want them to feel difficult. Yet these kinds of shitty stuff happen again and this time is a little bit too much. *SIGH* I never scold them, I never wanted to angst with them. I just very disappointed that they told me last minute. I hardly can MOVE ON my life when my friends are just not supportive. I felt distanceâ€¦ Very distance!
Anywayâ€¦ I am just whining here and just wanted to shoutout loud. It just felt much better. I felt comfortable telling my own problems to a stranger than to my best buddies. Strangers at least will response to my feelings with an advice, a lesson, or comfort. My buddiesâ€¦ They will just keep quiet and only can answer â€œI have no commentâ€. Maybe after a few days later, my secret is no longer a secret but maybe a laughing stock or it reaches to someone that I am talking about.
Sweet words are easy to say,
Sweet things are easy 2 buy,
But sweet people are difficult to find.
Life ends when U stop dreaming,
Hope ends when U stop believing,
Love ends when U stop caring,
Friendship ends when U stop sharing.
So share this with whom ever U consider a friend.
To love without condition,
To talk without intention,
To give without reason,
And to care without expectation
is the heart of a truefriend…